How are you? really?

If the answer isn’t the one you’re giving you might need some meta-thinking.

You know the answer – at least, the one you will provide dozens or even hundreds of times during
cocktail parties this holiday season. But the real answer is never as clean and simple as the ‘good’
or ‘fine’ you offer those that inquire about your well being. This is the case even if our staged
answer is nuanced – you know the type where you responds that you’re good, but busy, or have this or that challenge, but are confident everything will work out somehow. And then maybe you finish by hitting another upbeat note and mention something you are enthusiastic about or happy that happened last year.

There are times when we say ‘great!’ and we actually feel and believe it.

There are times when we feign a smile and say we’re fine and our little voice says ‘you boldfaced liar.’ You’ve seen the movie, or maybe even been in it, where the main character says
fine and suddenly breaks out in tears.

Most of the time, we say ‘good’ and the little voice says ‘yeah, I agree, good, not quite great,
there is that thing… but OK nonetheless.’

Every resolution we make this upcoming year is ultimately about avoiding the second situation and moving towards the third or even the first. Ultimately, you want to provide an upbeat response during next year’s Holiday Season that you really believe. And next comes the resolutions – health, money, leisure, productivity – whatever we think will move the happiness needle most for us. And the chase begins. As it should! If you think I’m about to cast a vote in favor of some new agey stop striving resolution I am not. Given how I often feel a tinge of disappointment about how much progress I make each year I’m more apt to advocate for tripling the number and the difficulty of the resolutions.

I’m not writing to advocate for one or the other. A year of simply being and letting life ebb and flow would be awesome and refreshing. A year of punishingly hard work and exceptional results could be just what the doctor ordered as well. The idea that came to me this morning is that there’s something beyond these lifestyle factors that matters even more.

The context is this: Yesterday morning it was an early morning in the gym, cardio on the bike. I love biking, but hate the stationary bike (and I like running but hate the treadmill too). The problem is the clock and the constant measurement. Not to mention spinning your wheels and going nowhere (feels like my life at times). I glance at the timer and see I have 18 more minutes of this torture left. I watch the hockey highlights from the previous night and glance again and see only 16 seconds went by. Time feels like it’s going backwards and I’m going nowhere. I distract myself by measuring my heart rate and then push myself harder to bump it up (this is the good part of the measurements). When the timer gets into the last few minutes I’m relieved, I’m pushing hard but still bored to tears.

Contrast this with this morning. I decided to forego the florescent lighting and be outside when the sun rises and set-off alone on a cross-country ski trail. Outside of communing with nature, I communed with myself. Nearing the end of the run I mused about doing more. I also mused about my musings. Liberated from the measurements, I ran conversations in my head the whole time (seems like studies show that this is what we do most of the time). I was answering the how was I doing question before it was being asked. The interesting thing is that I realized that the answer to the how am I doing question has shifted dramatically over the course of weeks, even days. Not too long ago a longstanding and recurrent issue had me up at night and down in spirits. Most of the last few weeks a major upcoming change preoccupied me; at once excited about the opportunity and a little apprehensive about the challenges it will present. And in the last few days I’ve had to force myself to shut things down at night instead of working more on a creative project and I wake-up driven to get more done. I’ve probably just described your life too. So what?

There’s the stuff whirling in my brain – kids, relationship, career, money, health etc. – but, if I think about how I’m thinking rather than what I’m thinking about (meta-thinking: thinking about my thinking) the pattern is clear:

Thinking about my problems = Feel like shit.

Thinking probabilistically = Mixed feelings, some enthusiasm about opportunities mixed with and some worry about potential obstacles.

Thinking about possibilities = Feel great.

So, is the answer to not think about problems? Hardly – anticipating them and trying to resolve them is the best way to avoid more of them. What’s critical is to know that how you feel at any stage in your life largely depends on your perceived position in life (am I a loser, low status, unloved?) and your progress (outlook: do I have potential & am I on a good trajectory?). One could say that happiness = perceived reality + hope.

The reality is that our situation or position can take quantum leaps forward and backwards, but most of the time our resolutions (that we stick to) knock a few inches off our waist, add a few pounds of muscle, add a few percentage points to our net worth, climb the corporate ladder one more rung, etc. Considering the compound effect, these are worth making and sticking to. They can produce results beyond our expectations. Sticking to our resolutions gives us a good chance of feeling somewhat better a year from now.

It’s hope that is more volatile. It’s often hope that also keeps us from believing in and keeping those resolutions. Thus, the key to changing how we are doing at any moment lies primarily in how we think about problems. Even the intractable ones and those we feel guilt and shame about bringing upon us offer some opportunity. There is always an opportunity for growth lurking somewhere.

Maybe the challenge next year lies in stopping and thinking about your thinking whenever you find yourself in a funk or spending too long on that mixed feeling plateau? Maybe the key to feeling better throughout the year (and thus making more progress) is to remind ourselves of the adjacent possible – the small improvement or stretch goal just within reach with a little more effort? This is a practice that could change everything. And maybe it’s a lack of it that is responsible for most everything that isn’t quite right about right now? Beyond my objective goals for next year, you knoiw, the thick wallet and thin waist (as opposed to the inverse), this is the practice that I could cultivate that could yield the greatest reward.

Think of it like climate and weather. How we are day-to-day is the weather. The weather changes for the better if we think of what’s probable and especially what might be possible. Acting upon the best of what is probable for you with a pinch of the possible is the optimal modus operandi. Extended trends in weather becomes climate. Next year, I’m in favor of climate change.

K. Wilkins is the author of:

Stoic Virtues Journal: Your Guide to Becoming the Person You Aspire to Be

Rules for Living Journal: Life Advice Based On the Words and Wisdom of Jordan B. Peterson