It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;
what is essential is invisible to the eye.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, from The Little Prince

I think of this cartoon every time my neighbor’s crazy dog begins barking and runs full tilt after my car. It seems painful every single time: He reaches the end of his leash and his neck gets violently jerked. It’s instinctive, see car, chase car.

Us humans can laugh. We are rational, we know better than to chase things mindlessly because they come into our field of view. We think before acting, we think ahead.

But are we that much more evolved? We chase the next new car to feel higher status. We upgrade to the iPhone model 87 Pro (or whatever they’re at now). We tell ourselves that it has everything to do with our need for the newer camera. And we believe our bunk. We ignore the fact that it has everything to do with the jolt of pleasure we get from telling others that it’s the top of the line.

The fact is that we like to do most of all is what other people do. We want what others want.* This is what powers the power law (or Pareto Principle) where 20% most popular books, movies, TV shows, gadgets, you-name-it, garner 80% of the spoils. We look to others to decide what we should be watching, doing, and buying. In fact, in terms of media products, because we now know so much about what others are consuming, the ratio is more like 90-10. Why do we gravitate to whatever others choose?

Laziness – perhaps.
Curiosity – likely.
Fear of missing out – for sure.
Wanting to belong – certainly.

This plays out in how we live our life as well. Much of what we pursue in life is determined by what we see others pursuing. The fact is that there is safety in numbers. So we play it safe and end up playing it safe as well. We forego the life we want for the one we can comfortably get or for the one others expect us to want.

A better approach: Look past what others have and want and ask if you really want to feel what they feel. Do most people feel like their life is giving them what they always wanted to get out of it? We don’t chase cars instinctively, but we do have a reflex to pursue what others covet. The result: We accumulate more and more stuff despite the fact that it never fills the void, we grip tightly to career paths that never inspired us and relationships that have settled into mediocrity ages ago. If half-assed isn’t a viable life philosophy for them, why would it work for you?

So what should guide you through life? What will guide our life?

Rather than looking around, close your eyes. Paying attention to feelings is a superior guiding light. If those who have what you covet seem like my neighbor’s dog – always chasing the next one despite the fact that the last one didn’t fulfill them and never will – should you follow them? Maybe you need to think about what you’ll want next – once you actually clamp your jaws around a big juicy plastic bumper?

What is it that those who feel fulfilled actually chase?

And what is it that those that only know how to chase chase?

Humans chase feelings. If what we’re chasing hasn’t provided it yet, what makes you think it ever will?

K. Wilkins is the author of:

Stoic Virtues Journal: Your Guide to Becoming the Person You Aspire to Be

Rules for Living Journal: Life Advice Based On the Words and Wisdom of Jordan B. Peterson

*This comes from mimetic theory. Mimesis comes from Greek, meaning imitate, portray, or represent. Represent stems from the Latin praesens, meaning present, at hand, in sight. What we see and what we present to the world shapes us in so many untold ways. Mimetic theory was most elaborated by René Girard. Although, to my mind, Plato’s Allegory of the Cave might be among the first to question if we should trust what we see and if we assign truth and value to what others reflect to us. The Stoics also remind us to question if we are chasing shadows.
“We are not drawn toward things that are useful and wholesome; we are drawn toward things that are the possession of others, not what is good for us but what has been taken by someone else.” Seneca. Epistles (Letter 39). He also echoes this in De Vita Beata: “What we actually want is not the things themselves but to outstrip others who desire them.”

Between Plato and the Stoics sits Aristotle. He reminds us that our propensity to imitate is among our greatest strengths and propels us to learn at rates no other creature can rival: “Man is the most imitative of all animals, and he learns his first lessons through imitation.” (Poetics 4, 1448b5). Mirror neurons make us the world’s best learners. However, the darker side is that the desires that captivate us also stem from our propensity towards imitation. “We envy those whose possession of good things is felt to be possible for us.” (Rhetoric II.10, 1387b23). You can become Buddhist and distance yourself from desire – very hard. I prefer the Stoic approach and be attentive to what you see and feel and ultimately be deliberate about what you desire and pursue.